Mommy, What's A Hooker?

This morning, while sitting in the car waiting for the nice school lady to come around and let Paige out of the car for drop off, we were listening to K102. A normal choice in our family, when the iPod isn't on I choose this because in general it's more kid friendly then KDWB - who the hell knows what's going to come flying out of their mouths on that station in the morning, and the last thing I need is for my daughter to go to 1st grade talking about "shaky things" (KDWB's code word for vibrators..) Or whipping out words to Ke$ha during recess (yes, I used the dollar sign....don't judge me.)

So, anyway Toby Keith was playing quietly in the back ground, "I Love This Bar" to be exact. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it talks about the different types of people you might meet in a bar. Harmless enough really. The second part of the song begins......

"We've got short skirts, I've seen high techs. Blue collar boys and rednecks"

Paige and I are still talking... something in my brain is warning me that maybe I should turn the radio off, but lack of coffee is getting in the way of my fully processing this request. So I ignore it. Song continues:

"And we got lovers, lots of lookers, I've even seen dancing girls and hookers"

(so much for this station being more kid friendly today!)

Shit.

Mentally I begin to kick myself. About the exact second I remember that word was coming, I also realized it was way to late to change the station before Paige heard it.

I start to rationalize in my head.....Maybe she missed it, we were talking. The radio was pretty quiet. Plus it's not like it's a word she knows, just one I don't want her to know. Okay, be cool mom. If you act like it was a big deal she'll think it was a big deal.

The car goes silent, and then it happens.

Paige: "Uncle Cory is a Hooker"

*trying to cover up a laugh, as Uncle Cory is the furthest thing from a hooker there is. Plus can guys even be hookers?*

Mom: I'm sorry, what? (being sure not to look at her so she can't see the smile I'm fighting with every nerve in my face)

Paige: Yea, we were fishing once and he got a hook in my thumb (sticks thumb in my face) see, mom right there you can still see the little white spot where it was. So he's a total hooker"

*At this point I deserve a freaking EMMY for not busting out into uncontrollable laughter. My kid just used the phrase "total hooker" for cryuing out loud*

Mom: Ohhhh. I see, yeah I remember that.

(At this point I have let the hooker word go. I figure since that's what she thinks it means, I'm going to let her think it. It can't do any harm she's not going to tell any one at school right?)

Paige: I can't wait to tell my friends that my Uncle is a hooker! *huge smile on her face, as if she knows..."

Double Shit.

I quickly turn around and look her in the face, and say "Paige, hooker doesn't mean someone who hooked your thumb. So we shouldn't tell the kids at school Uncle Cory is one." I'm totally grasping at straws at this point, I am not prepared to explain this. She may have just as well asked me where babies come from.

Paige: Oh? Well what does it mean then?"

Mom: It's just a grown up word that kids shouldn't use and if you do use it you will get in trouble, especially at school so forget you heard it today ok?

This seemed to tide her over. Normally it being a "grown up" thing is enough to scare her off it. However I will not be surprised if I get an e-mail or phone call today about the fact the whole 1st grade class was chanting Hooker because of something Paige said......

Someone revoke my mom card please....

Cousins

Don't worry, those of you looking to see part 2 of my party planning and set up, it will be back tomorrow. I just took these photos last night of Paige and Ellie with their cousin Katia and had to share them!

I don't know what we will do when all three girls are up and running, because Katia and Paige flying around last night, hopped up on frosting from my birthday cupcakes was more then I expected!

After hanging out with her cousin and little sister last night, Paige this morning asked me when I was going to have a baby boy. I told her that I wasn't sure, it's not something that I can pick, having a boy or a girl. Paige thought on it a second and then told me if I concentrated enough, next time I could have a boy!

He-Man Has No Weenie.

I don't know where Paige comes up with this things, if she makes them up. Maybe Mattel didn't make ergonomically correct action figures in the 80's and she's noticed from playing with them, though why she is looking for his weenie is beyond me. Never the less, you should all know: He-Man has no weenie.

It's a shock, I'll let you all recover.

This is only one of the many things that have come flying out of Paige's mouth lately. Strange questions, no one prepares you for let alone tell yous how to answer. Funny names she makes up for things and people that she doesn't find humor in, but the sick minds of the adults in her life giggle at behind her back...

For instance, you know the name game song? Paiger Paiger bo baiger.....and so forth...well from that she has learned that Kimbo and Bimbo rhyme and occasionally her fathers poor girlfriend Kim is insulted by an unknowing 5 year old.

Another example? Ok, she's named her mermaid barbie that she has in the tub with her "Queen of the Pink". I'll let you take from that what you will.

And of course yesterday when she was getting out of her swim suit and asked what the little lumps on her chest were. I think my reaction to the question was funnier then anything because I stared at her like I had no idea myself. In reality I was fighting to find the right thing to say, I hadn't discussed this with her dad - I didn't want to give them some funny name, but the word breasts didn;t strike me as 5 year old friendly.

I used the word anyway, and thought I was in the clear. Nope. She then wanted to know what the other part of them were called. Ugh. Seriously, did I have to use the word breasts and nipple in the same sentance to my child, at this age??

"Nipples" I barely let the word out.

"Nibbles? That's a funny name"

"No no, hunny Nip-ples. With a P."

Oh the horror.

"Oooooooo, NIPPLES" she shouts.

That conversation couldn't have ended fast enough for me! I don't mind explaining things to her so much as I mind her repeating it to other kids she knows. The thought of her sitting at her soccer game and pointing to her chest and saying "I have breasts and nipples" honestly scares me sometimes. Like I need Little Susie going home to mommy and repeating that and her say she learned if from that Janssen Girl.....

She's Graduated!

Okay, so it was only from preschool, but none the less it was rather moving to see my little girl get her "diplotah", as she calls it. Paige was the most vocal of all 22 kids, announceing on one occasion that I did not like spiders, even little ones. And then hollard out at a quiet moment that she had a "huge wedgige" and proceeded to yank it out in a very unlady like manner in front of everyone. Thank goodness they had her in the front row, I would have hated for someone to miss her pink underwear.

She only managed to get in trouble twice, once for sticking her hand in front of the projector making it difficult for people to see the photo slide show, and the other was during a song she was forbidden to hold the boys hand next to her because he was pulling her back and forth instead of swaying like they were supposed to. She was the only child to get into trouble more then once, but if you're going to do something you may as well do it well....lol.

After all the songs and photos, they put on little blue paper caps they made and lined up to wait for their names to be called so they could walk down the isle and cross the bridge and shake their teachers hand.

Here's out little graduate!

Singing The Grand 'Ol Flag

Waiting For Her Name To Be Called
Proud Little Girl!

Who's Your Daddy?

On Thursdays I've been watching my 1 year old niece Katia for a few hours while my sister works. She's pretty low key and naps around that time usually so I really luck out.

Today I was exhausted though, up half the night before with contractions and what not. So after Katia's short nap, lasting all of an hour, I changed her diaper and went to give her a bottle hoping she would be just as content as she had been for the beginning of the day so I didn't have to be required to do a whole lot.

But of course you know, kids never do what you want them to do and she was NOT having her bottle. I sat her on the ground while I sorted out something else to feed her, while she screamed she turned herself in circles and then would lay her self on the ground to continue her fit. I picked her up, she stopped crying immediately...of course yet after holding her for a few minutes, and being 8 months pregnant I couldn't anymore so I sat down and held her. Bad idea.

Resume screaming here.

Tried to offer bottle again. No go.

Crackers. Not a chance.

Figuring she just needed to get it out, and because my arms were tires I sat her back on the floor and off she went with the greatest 1 year old tantrum I have ever seen. I would reach out for her if she wanted me, but she wanted me to stand and not sit holding her and that was not going to happen because I was just too tired to do it.

The tantrum went on for another 2-3 minutes and finally I handed her a magazine off the table as a last resort, on the cover was Robert Pattinson, and 2 other guy celebrities.

The crying stopped instantly. She stared at the cover for a seconed, then pointed directly to Rob Pattinson over the other two guys, smiled and said "Dada!" and then went on to squeal and talk to the cover like she hadn't just spent the last 5 minutes washing my floor with her tears.

I took my chances and picked her and the magazine up and sat at the table. Offered her the bottle which she took a drink of, then tried to feed to her "Dada" from, as well as the pieces of banana that I have sliced up during the scream fest. She happily jabbered on to the photo in the magazine, yelling 'Dadadadadad!" in between stuffing her mouth, and fed him occasionally until her banana was nothing more then a residue left on her hands from smashing them up.

I guess Robert Pattinson even makes a 1 year old happy as can be. I wonder though who's going to break it to her that he's really not her daddy?

Could It Get Cuter?

Today Paige was asked out on her first date.

No, you didn't slip into a weird coma where 10 years suddenly passed, she really is still just barely 5. The whole situation was so cute!

There's a little boy in her preschool class named Michael who is just "in love" with her. His mom and I talk about it all the time and how adorable the little crush is.

Today Paige was upset with me because I wouldn't take her to see the 8 grade production of The Music Man. I could tell her fever was coming back and she clearly had not yet recovered totally from her tummy flu she had earlier this week. Michael had come up to us and stood quietly as Paige talked to me, she knew he was there and almost refused to turn around, suddenly shy. She just looked at me. I greeted Michael and he asked Paige if she was going to the play that evening. Still mad at me she refused to answer him, so I did. I politely let him know we wouldn't be able to go. He stood there a moment, then very sweetly looked at me and said,

"I could take her to the play tonight."

His mom and I arranged a pick up, she offered to bring Paige with, she too thought the request of her son was too cute. I agreed that if she wanted to go, and if her fever was high when we got home it was fine with me. Unfortunately her fever was a little too high, and due to that she had an over emotional break down when I asked her if she wanted to go with, and cried. Which normally she wouldn't do with the option to go out with a friend from school - even on who's "in love" with her.

I really did think that it would be a few more years before she was "asked out", but this was the cutest thing I have ever seen! Paige will be hearing this story for years and years to come , that's for sure!

Look Up In The Sky! It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A ____?!

A few days back I was driving home from Cub with Paige in the backseat. She was going on about the shapes she could see in the clouds, so I opened the sun roof for a better view and she was of and running again, her imagination never takes a break!

I concentrated on driving as she told me all the things she saw, A Bunny in a House, a dragon, a cat with claws and a Pecker.

Nearly rear ending the guy in front of me then missing a green light, I spun around in me seat and tried not to laugh hysterically as I said, "Um, hunny I don't know what those look like. What is it again?" no need to give her more info then she needs, just in case she wasn't really talking about, what it is I thought she was talking about.

"You know mom, a peck-er" she looked at me with that exasperated look I don't expect til her teenage years, and emphasized each syllable sharply.

I wasn't looking directly at her anymore because I was back to driving us home, but I looked at her through my back seat mirror I have and tried again, "Well tell me what they look like"

She sighed in a way that suggested simply she knew more then me, and was irritated to have to explain such a mundane piece of information to her mom. I expect I'll get more of this in her later years as well. She finally leads into her description "You know, a Pecker. Those birds that sit on the trees and peck holes in them. A Pecker?" She almost asked the last part, like she was trying to see if I followed.

I could no longer hold my laughter in, partly out of relief and said "OH! A WOOD Pecker!, sure hunny I know what those are"

She looked at me from the backseat trying not to show that she was a bit cheesed that I had corrected her. "Yes mom. A Wood Pecker. That's what I said"

That's a 4 year old for you. Sheesh. The trouble I have to go through to get an explanation out of her :0)